Fully Fractured Fairy Tales
by Beatrix Bloxam
Summary: When a story starts with Sirius saying "Look what I found!" you know it's going to be bad. And funny. What do purple beans, house elves, gingerbread and long hair have to do with each other? Everything. And nothing. So read, laugh, and wonder at the bizar


Anything you recognize belongs to JK Rowling et. al.  Lizzie is mine... I guess.  Based on a combo of the fractured fairy tales from Rocky and Bullwinkle and Into the Woods (yeah, Stephen Sondheim )

Yeah, more pointless comedy.  What's not to like?  LOL, enjoy!

-Trinity

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"Andy!  Look what I found!"  Andromeda looked up from her book to find Sirius running into the common room, out of breath and clutching something in his hand.

"Hm?" she questioned, eyebrows raised.  He skidded to a halt at her side, and opened his fist to reveal five glowing purple beans.  "What are those?" she questioned, nose wrinkled, as she squinted at them.

"I think they're beans," Sirius replied breathlessly.

"Well, just don't eat them," Andromeda ordered, shaking her head and sitting back.  "Where did you find them?"

"They were just sitting outside on the wall," Sirius replied, looking happily at the purple blobs.  "There wasn't anyone around, and they were probably about to get blown away," he added.

"Right…" Andromeda replied, shaking her head.  "Well, don't leave them lying around, and for Merlin's sake, don't bury them!  Who knows what they'd turn into."  Sirius nodded anxiously, barely listening.

"Right.  I'm going to go show James!"  With that, he took off up the stairs.  Andromeda shook her head after him, returning to her book.  She looked up a moment later as a loud crash came from the stairs, and Sirius and James crashed into the common room a moment later.

"What are you in such a hurry about?" James asked, rubbing his head painfully.  Sirius simply stuck out his hand, beaming.  James glanced at the beans before shaking his head.  "Someone probably charmed them, Padfoot.  I've got to go."

"Where?" Sirius asked, looking insulted, as he stuffed the beans into a pocket.

"Lily's got detention with McGonagall.  I've got to go see her- I'm going to try and get her out," James explained before rising, dusting off his robes and hurrying out the door.  Sirius scowled after him before turning back to the staircase.

"HEY!  REMUS!  PETER!" he hollered, still on the floor.  A moment later, the two boys appeared.

"What?" Peter questioned irritably, casting worried glances at the common room door.

"Look!" Sirius exclaimed, extending his hand once more.

"You shouldn't mess with those," Remus warned, giving the purple beans an appraising look.  "You never know what they could do."  Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Those are great," Peter commented quickly before heading for the door.

"Where are you going?" Sirius demanded, scowling as he got to his feet.

"One of the Hufflepuff girls found a house in the woods, and she says it's made of gingerbread.  We're going to go check it out," he explained breathlessly before hurrying off.  Sirius and Remus exchanged glances.

"That doesn't sound very safe, does it," Sirius commented.

"No," Remus agreed.  "So where'd you find the beans?"

----

"Lily, Lily, let down your hair!" James called, standing below the open window of McGonagall's classroom.  He watched expectantly, and a moment later, Lily's head emerged from the window.

"What?" she called.

"Let down your hair to me, so I can climb it and come rescue you!" he called again.  Lily scowled.

"Oh, no you don't," she replied coolly.  "McGonagall's already done that, and it hurts like hell.  Go use the stairs if you want to come up so badly," she ordered, glaring.  James gaped.

"I… I can't," he replied.  "Filch is scrubbing the stairs, and he's likely to give me a weeks worth of detention if I run into him."  Lily sighed.

"Well, that explains why McGonagall had to use my hair," she reasoned.  "But I'm NOT letting you climb my hair!  It's not even that far," she pointed out, as she was barely a foot above James' head.  He sighed.

"Well, how else am I supposed to get in there to rescue you?" he demanded.  Lily rolled her eyes.

"You're at the top of your class- you figure it out," she ordered, shaking her head and disappearing back into the room.

"Lily!" James moaned.  She didn't come back.  "Great, now what?" he wondered aloud.  Movement from behind him caught his attention, and he whirled around to find Peter and a blond Hufflepuff running for the forest.  "PETER!" he hollered.  "Where are you going?"  He didn't get a response, and with a sigh, turned to go back into the castle.  Just before the entrance, however, he was stopped by a scream.

"SIRIUS BLACK!  WHAT DID YOU DO?!"  James took off at a jog in the direction of the scream, and soon found the cause of the commotion.  Andromeda was gaping, face red, at a large purple tree that disappeared into the clouds above the castle.  Sirius was looking shamefaced at his cousin, hands in his pockets.

"Well, they fell out of my pocket when Moony ran off!" he replied weakly.  "Really, you should blame him, if anything," he insisted, cowering under Andromeda's glare.

"DID I NOT SAY, DO NOT BURY THEM?!" she demanded.  "And now look at this!  What do we do now?"  Sirius shrugged.  Their conversation was interrupted by a loud crack somewhere above them, and the sound of something whizzing through the air.  "Get back!" Andromeda hollered, and they did.  A moment later, a giant purple ball hit the ground, creating quite a hole in the ground.

"What is that?" James asked, ogling.  Sirius and Andromeda turned, surprised to find an audience.  They shrugged, and James walked forward to examine it.

"I don't know," Sirius replied, coming closer.  "I think it came from the tree, though."  Andromeda let out an annoyed noise.

"You think?"  Sirius ignored this comment, and poked the purple ball.  James did the same, looking it over.  After a moment of silent inspection, he leaned in and took a bite of it.

"James!  Don't do that!" Andromeda exclaimed.  "You don't know what it is, or if it's dangerous, or anything!"  James swallowed.

"I do know what it is," he argued.  "It's an apple.  This is an apple tree."

"A giant purple apple tree?" Andromeda asked numbly.

"Sweet," Sirius added with a grin.  James nodded, looking up the trunk.

"Why couldn't you have dropped the beans near Lily's window?" he asked.  "I could have climbed up it to save her," he added, scowling.  Sirius was saved from coming up with a response by Remus' dramatic return.

"You will… never… believe… what I…just found!" he exclaimed, out of breath.

"What?" the other three asked in unison.

"A glass coffin with a sleeping girl inside!" he exclaimed, beaming.  "She's so beautiful…"

"Are you sure she's alive?" Sirius asked carefully.  Remus scowled.

"Yes, she's alive!  She's being guarded by a whole bunch of house elves," he added, looking depressed.  "I must kiss her!"  James and Sirius exchanged weary looks.

"Right…" Andromeda interjected, looking very confused by the entire turn of events.

"Did you see Peter?" James questioned suddenly.  "I saw him heading for the forest with some girl."  Remus nodded.

"Yeah.  Last I saw them, they were gnawing on this strange looking house- I think it was gingerbread, actually.  Really bizarre."  His puzzled expression changed to one of longing again.  "I must kiss her…"

"Right," Sirius replied, shaking his head.  "You work on that, Moony."

"Sirius, go find something to chop this tree down with!" Andromeda ordered.  "And Remus… I don't even know what to say to you.  And James- leave Lily alone!  She'll be out of the detention soon enough."  James sighed and shrugged before turning and wandering off.  Sirius followed, more quickly, and Remus turned and headed back to the forest.

----

"I love gingerbread," Peter told the Hufflepuff girl, Lizzie.  She nodded enthusiastically through a mouthful of icing.  Peter pulled another piece of gingerbread off the house and crammed it happily into his mouth.  Lizzie followed suit.

"WHY ARE YOU EATING MY HOUSE?!" a voice shrieked, and the two students looked up in surprise to find Trelawney, red in the face, staring at them.  "YOU EVIL CHILDREN!" she hollered, pulling out her wand.

"I think we'd better go," Peter suggested weakly, and Lizzie nodded, looking more confused than afraid.

"COME BACK HERE!" Trelawney shrieked as the two students hurried back into the woods.  "I'LL EAT YOU!  YOU EAT MY HOUSE, IT'S ONLY FAIR!" her voice followed them as they ran back onto the Hogwarts grounds.

"She's a weirdo," Peter commented, pausing to catch his breath.  Lizzie nodded silently.

"Peter, have you seen that girl?" Remus gasped as he came flying out of the forest.

"What girl?" Peter asked dumbly.  Remus began gesturing frantically.

"The girl in the coffin!" he exclaimed.  Peter shared a confused look with Lizzie.

"Um, sorry, Remus… no."  Remus scowled before turning and running back into the forest.  "Watch out for Trelawney!" Peter added loudly.  "She's loony!  And she might eat you!"  Remus was gone.  Peter shrugged and turned back to Lizzie.  "So, you want to go to dinner?"

----

"Lily, Lily, let down your hair to me!"  Lily stuck her head out the window again, scowling.

"Enough, James!  I'm not letting you climb my bloody hair!"  James sighed.

"Well, how else am I supposed to get you out?" he demanded.

"Use the stairs?" Lily suggested dryly.  "Weren't you supposed to have figured this out all ready?"  James shrugged sheepishly.

"Well, I couldn't, um, think of anything," he explained.  "But I promise I'll be gentle!" he added, holding out his hands.

"NO!" Lily hollered, her face red as she disappeared back into the room.

"Lily!" James moaned, sighing.  He was interrupted by the sound of yet another loud crash.

"What was that?" Lily demanded, reappearing in the window.

"Sirius," James replied simply before hurrying off toward the sound.

"Hey!  I thought you were supposed to be rescuing me!" Lily hollered after him.  He disappeared around the corner of the castle, and she sighed.  "Brilliant."

----

"What was that?" James gasped as he ran up to Andromeda and Sirius.

"The purple monstrosity," Andromeda replied simply, pointing.  Stretched out across the grounds was the purple tree, large purple balls lying scattered around it.

"Oh," James replied simply.

"There, that's fixed," Sirius proclaimed, walking up to the other two, looking triumphant.  "Kind of mars the landscape, though, doesn't it," he commented, head cocked.  "Eh, oh well."

"What is that?" a voice exclaimed from behind them.  James whirled around to find Lily trotting toward them, gaping at the tree.

"A giant purple apple tree," Sirius replied reasonably.  "Hey, I thought you had detention."  Lily shrugged.

"I left."

"How?" James demanded, stunned. "You wouldn't let your hair down to me!"  Lily rolled her eyes.

"I summoned a broom and flew out, genius.  I certainly don't need you to get out."  James looked sheepish, but was saved from responding by Peter's return.

"Trelawney has gone loco," he announced, to which everyone nodded without surprise.  "Don't go near her when she's hungry, by the way."  They seemed to take this in stride, and nodded agreeably.  "Are those giant purple apples?" Peter questioned, eyes wide.

"Yep," Sirius answered.  Peter went up to one and took a giant bite.

"Delicious."

"Hey, is that Remus?" Lily questioned, squinting toward the forest.

"Yeah, it is," James agreed.

"What's following him?" Sirius wondered, watching a large crowd of something moving behind Remus.

"He's coming this way awful fast," Andromeda commented.

"I think he's being chased," Lily agreed.

"By what?" Sirius asked.

"This may sound insane, but I think… I think they're house elves," James replied, squinting.

"I think you're right," Peter agreed, taking another bite of the giant purple apple.

"Remus?" Sirius called to the boy as he drew near.

"House… elves!" Remus gasped as he approached.

"What happened?" Lily asked, looking confused.

"Oh, um, you know that sleeping girl?  The one I wanted to kiss?" Remus asked sheepishly, breathing heavily.  Everyone but Lily nodded.  "Well, um, turns out she was dead, and the house elves didn't like me trying to break into her coffin during the funeral."

"I told you she was dead," Sirius pointed out, and Remus shrugged.

"Well, I didn't know.  So now they're chasing me," he explained, glancing over his shoulder.

"So what are you going to do now that you can't kiss her?" Lily asked, head cocked.  Remus made a face.

"I sure as hell don't want to kiss a dead chick," he replied, looking disgusted.  Another glance over his shoulder got Remus moving again.  "Oh, I gotta go- see you," he added before taking off again.  A moment later, a flood of angry house elves came through the five students, in hot pursuit of Remus.

"Sucks for him," Sirius commented.

"He'll be fine," Peter reassured him.  "Anyone for dinner?"

"Sure," Andromeda agreed, and the others nodded their consent.

"What about the tree?" Lily questioned, eyeing the purple mass.

"It'll be fine.  Maybe the house elves will make it into dinner for us tonight," James suggested.  They all nodded their agreement at this before turning and heading for dinner.

"What did you do with the rest of the beans?" Andromeda asked.

"I think I lost them," Sirius replied as they opened the door and went back into the castle.

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End file.
